If you are a “helper” in any profession (i.e. counselor, pastor, medical provider etc.) you may have heard of the term “compassion fatigue.” The Oxford Dictionary defines this as the “indifference to charitable appeals on behalf of suffering people, experienced as a result of the frequency or number of such appeals.” In other words, you have a lot of needs that hit you at once and that happens often. Sound familiar? Well, in order to continue to enjoying your work and ignite your compassion flame you have to take care of yourself!

Here are a few tried and true ways to avoid compassion fatigue:

1. Leave work at work.

This is a huge area of struggle for helpers! We are empathetic, right? We love to help people and their stories are impactful. Be careful how much mind space you give to the things of work while you are trying to enjoy your family at home, your dinner, or even your morning/nightly routines. It’s very tempting to check emails and respond immediately even when you are on the couch watching Netflix – don’t do it. Leave work at work. You will thank me for this and so will your family!

2. Create professional boundaries.

If you say you are leaving at 5, then leave at 5. If you have lunch scheduled but then someone needs “crisis counseling” it’s okay to say you need to eat your lunch! If someone walks into your office and wants to have a talk at a horrible time, it’s okay to say “Oh wow, sounds like that would be a great conversation. Let’s plan to meet about that on (insert date/time).” The occasional wavering from your professional boundaries is fine. As a compassionate helper we all know it is our greatest temptation to continue helping at the cost of our schedules, but if you do that too often, you’re likely to burn out! Keep to your professional boundaries as closely as possible. This could also mean saying no to additional projects, conversations and activities. It is OK to walk away and not take on the entire office load of problems

3. Enjoy LOADS of self-care.

When is the last time you took time to just care for yourself? It could be in the form of a massage, a walk in a quiet park or a really fun night of video games. Self-care will really look different for each person. For ideas on how to increase your self-care, check out my article on “10 Ways to increase self-care”.

4. Create an enjoyable work environment.

This is one of my favorite things! I just adore having a nice office. I like to change out my flowers, pictures, bookshelf accessories, drink coasters and use cute file folders! I enjoy playing music in between clients and burning a little spearmint essential oil to lift myself up. You are constantly giving parts of yourself away throughout the day and creating an environment you enjoy is one way you can provide a little nourishment for yourself. If you work in a large office with a lot of people coming in and out, maybe it’s something as simple as a favorite pen, single fresh flower, a mini frame, or some aromatherapy lotion in your purse. Keep things on hand that can give back to you throughout your work hours.

5. Enjoy non-work hobbies & community events.

Hobbies can in some ways fall into self-care, but they are different in that they can include even a community in which you can get involved. For instance, if you are an artist, go out and enjoy an art class or art show. If you enjoy singing, join a local choir. If you play basketball, find some people to play with in a local league. You get the idea. The point is that you don’t just see your family and coworkers. You are starting to enjoy the company of people who don’t just want to talk about family issues or work problems. A common community that can be a great resource are churches or local spiritual groups. Get creative with this one. For some of your seasoned helpers, this might take some time to think about, but I am sure you think of something new and novel you would enjoy. And… * IF you say you have no time for this… YOU NEED THIS! Ironic isn’t it? If you have too much on your plate that you cannot even enjoy an occasional gathering on a topic you love, reevaluate your schedule.

Here’s a little sneak peak of how

I prevent compassion fatigue in my office!…

Don’t struggle alone. I would be happy to walk alongside you to heal your compassion fatigue if you need a little boost. As helpers, it’s not uncommon for you to struggle with this; you are not alone. The most important thing you can do for those you are helping is get help yourself. Not only do you model a healthy lifestyle, you will be more present and able to provide more effective care.

We would love to work with you! If you would like to scheduled a session, feel free to contact Flourish Counseling Co. at 407-630-7529 or schedule immediately with us online at www.flourishcounseling.co.

 

About the Author

Cristina Ally, LMHC, is the owner of Flourish Counseling Co. in Winter Park, Florida. She specializes in women’s issues, sexual abuse recovery and diabetic lifestyle adjustment. She has helped countless individuals and families reach optimal mental and emotional health by providing counseling and trauma resolution in the Orlando area since 2015. She is currently the President of the Mental Health Counselors of Central Florida and is a passionate advocate for mental health.

According to the American Psychological Association about 40-50% of first time marriages in the United States end in divorce, with the divorce rate increasing in subsequent marriages. With divorce rates so high, it is likely that you or someone you know has been impacted by a divorce. Divorces can get messy when it involves just adults, but it can get even more confusing when kids and teens are involved. Not only are you managing your own feelings, you now have the reality that your adult decision is now inevitably  going to impact your child’s life in some way. Each divorce and family is unique and so of course needs will vary, but here are three simple and basic principles from Krista Smith’s divorce for teens group curriculum, “The Big D“, that I love and teach all the families I work with.  Here are three basic things to avoid during a divorce involving children:

1. Do not use your child as a messenger.
      Ex: “Tell your mom/dad…”

2. Do not use your child as a spy or detective for information.
     Ex: “Tell me about your mom/dad’s new house, friend etc.”

3. Do not us your child as a dumping station.
     Ex: “If you only knew what your mom/dad did to me…”

Let’s take a closer look at each…

1. Do not use your child as a messenger.

I know, you probably do not want to talk to your ex-spouse if at all possible. There were probably communication issues that lead to the divorce in the first place, right? So, it can be tempting to use your child to buffer the fact that you still have life decisions to make together. Don’t do it. Remind your child that divorce is an adult problem and requires adult solutions. Making your a child a messenger can really make them feel responsible for the information and discussions that should not involve them. Even if the information does involve them, it can be comforting to a child to know that you are your ex-spouse are on the same page. This can also help curtail any triangulation (but MOM said I could… ) that your child may be doing. This change may take some practice if you’ve already used your child as a messenger. Next time a situation comes up tell your child, “I will talk with Dad about that.”

2. Do not use your child as a spy or detective for information.

It is tempting to ask your child about your ex-spouse, especially if he or she is not very open with you. But again, remember that asking your child about information regarding the life and choices of your ex-spouse can really create a lot of stress for your little one. It is not a good idea to ask a lot of specific questions. If you are dying for information, you can ask open ended questions like “What did you do this weekend with your mom?” Rather than, “Was Bryan with her this weekend?” Your children pick up on a lot more subtext than we give them credit. They may not know why it doesn’t feel right, but trust me, they can tell that there’s something else behind all your specific questions. So remember, don’t try to get the inside scoop on finances, “new friends”, schedules, jobs, plans etc. from the child. As an adult in this situation you need to speak directly to the other adult about this information, not your kiddo.

3. Do not use your child as a dumping station.

 Your child is not supposed to be your main source of support, best friend, or primary confidant. It’s tempting to begin asking your child to side with you, but it does put them at a major disadvantage in experiencing positive feelings about the other parent. Your child should be able to experience love for both parents as he or she feels comfortable; don’t get in the way of this development (even if you think your spouse is a snake!). Chances are, if you refuse to speak ill of your ex-spouse your child will be able to sort out the let downs on their own. But let your child come to these realizations. Your main function is unbiased support for your child not necessarily your ex-spouse, so don’t taint the support with confusing messages.

Remember, your child CAN remain happy and well adjusted after a divorce.
These sorts of things can increase the child’s feelings of responsibility OR make the child feel as though a choice must be made between the parents. Remember, it is not the divorce that creates life difficulties for the child in and of itself. It is the way the divorce is handled that can cause long-term negative impacts. It is possible for you and your family to undergo these transitions without severe negative impacts on your children’s emotional health.

If you or someone you know has kids and teens in need of support during a parents divorce we are here to help. If you would like to scheduled a session, feel free to contact Flourish Counseling Co. at 407-630-7529 or schedule immediately with us online at www.flourishcounseling.co.

 About the Author

Cristina Ally, LMHC, is the owner of Flourish Counseling Co. in Winter Park, Florida. She specializes in women’s issues, sexual abuse recovery and diabetic lifestyle adjustment. She has helped countless individuals and families reach optimal mental and emotional health by providing counseling and trauma resolution in the Orlando area since 2015. She is currently the President of the Mental Health Counselors of Central Florida and is a passionate advocate for mental health.

It is easy to get grief confused with a major depressive episode (MDE) and vise versa. Both include feelings of sadness, at times hopelessness, and a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life (dysphoria). So how do you really know the difference between both? Thankfully there are some clues to help you distinguish the two.

Grief

Let’s start with talking about grief. Grief is typically felt in response to loss which leaves a person feeling empty. Grief also typically will decrease in intensity over a couple of days to sometimes a number of weeks, but the idea is that is does in some way begin to lift. Grief is most commonly experienced in short waves which are also accompanied by a lot of memories of the deceased. During the “waves” of grief, there come specific thoughts or preoccupations but generally speaking the person’s self-worth is preserved. Grieving people also tend to occasionally have feelings of grief that can be followed by funny stories or pleasant reminders of the deceased that may make them feel moments of happiness. If there are any questions of the bereaved’s self-worth it is most likely in response to regrets, or feelings of failure, that are directly related to the loss (I should have donated an organ, I should have visited more often etc.). It is important to note that someone experiencing grief may have feelings of taking their own life, known as suicidal ideation, but that is typically in response to a desire to join the deceased or for the pain of the loss to end.

Depression

A Major Depressive Episode (MDE) on the other hand can be quite overwhelming for an individual that can last for weeks. The main characteristic of an MDE is that a person really cannot anticipate pleasure of good things along with a persistent depressed mood. There is an unrelenting feeling of misery and unhappiness. There can be suicidal ideation but this is typically in response to feelings of worthlessness, feeling undeserving of life, or the person may feel it is the only way to stop the feelings of depression. Significant changes in diet (too much or too little), sleep (again, too much or too little), changes in weight (5% or more in 4 weeks), becoming fidgety or slowed down, loss of energy, inability to concentrate are all also important markers of Major Depression. We all have some level of depression at times, but these symptoms must really impact your daily life (work, school, relationships etc.) in order to truly be considered a part of an MDE.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), in 2014 15.7 million Americans 18 years (or 6.7 %) were diagnosed with at least one MDE in the last year.

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Whether it is grief or depression, the good news is that you do not have to manage the difficult feelings alone. You may not feel like reaching out to talk with someone all the time, but do not isolate yourself. Even if you just have to ask a friend or family member to come sit on the couch while you cook dinner just to be in the house with you…. start there. Grief and depression both tempt us to isolate and hurt alone but suffering in silence really is not the solution. Know that if you are struggling with grief, your journey will be unique and be patient with yourself. If you are going through an MDE, remember that there is real help out there to support you through the darker days.

If you or someone you love needs to speak with a counseling professional, we are here to help.

If you would like to scheduled a session, feel free to contact Flourish Counseling Co. at 407-630-7529 or schedule immediately with us online at www.flourishcounseling.co.

* IMPORTANT REMINDER: Please keep in mind as you read this article that this is NOT meant to be used as a diagnostic tool, but rather a simple checklist that includes common markers of both conditions. If you are experiencing symptoms, it is recommended you schedule an appointment with a professional that can provide an appropriate diagnosis.

 About the Author

Cristina Ally, LMHC, is the owner of Flourish Counseling Co. in Winter Park, Florida. She specializes in women’s issues, sexual abuse recovery and diabetic lifestyle adjustment. She has helped countless individuals and families reach optimal mental and emotional health by providing counseling and trauma resolution in the Orlando area since 2015. She is currently the President of the Mental Health Counselors of Central Florida and is a passionate advocate for mental health.

What is self-care?

Self-care has become somewhat of a buzz word in popular psychology. In a world filled with on-the-go professionals and families, people are finding it hard to slow down and, well, care for self.  But what exactly is self-care? Simply put, it is the ability for a person to provide a measure of nurturing for him or herself.

Self-care has become increasingly important as our society demands more of us everyday. At its best, it is used as a preventative measure that increases our capacity for handling stress so we have fewer emotional breakdowns. But self-care can also serve as a protective measure once we’ve hit rock bottom. It can be a great way to lift ourselves up after we feel destroyed.

The purpose of self-care

Self-care should increase you ability to feel calm, centered and connected to the joy that lies dormant within you. As you can imagine it may look different for everyone. I would never consider golfing as self-care since it actually causes anxiety for me. However, a sports enthusiast may find it’s a great way to detox from a day in a stress-filled corporate life. I love painting my nails while watching a romantic comedy but that is far from likely going to be the choice of my husband. You get the point.

Questions to clarify what it is for you…

So here are some questions to help guide you in your pursuit:

     – What brings you to life?

     – What activities make you want to smile?

     – What makes you want to take a relaxing deep breath when you think about it?

     – What scenes or locations do you find yourself longing for?

     – What is a great hobby?

     – How can you care for you body?

     – How can you care for your mind?

     – How can you care for your spirit?

These are just a few guiding questions. If you’re having a hard time thinking about what you could do for self-care consider talking with a friend or family member.  Sometimes an outside perspective can really help enlighten us! Here is also a list of common things people may like to do:

10 Self-care Activities

1. Breathe

2. Take a bath

3. Self-massage

4. Take a walk in nature (no phones)

5. Listen to guided imagery 

6. Journal

7. Pray

8. Coffee with a friend

9. Sit in silence to enjoy a mindful moment

10. Get a good night’s rest

Consider ways you would like to “take yourself out on a date” and enjoy your own company. If you are struggling with a consistently high level of stress, feel like you may need to recover from a haunting past trauma or just need a safe place to talk, there is help. Contact a counseling professional to help walk you through this season.

We would love to work with you! If you would like to scheduled a session, feel free to contact Flourish Counseling Co. at 407-630-7529 or schedule immediately with us online at www.flourishcounseling.co.

Additional Resources

Selfcare wheel

80+ Self-Care Activities from the Self-compassion Project

About the Author

Cristina Ally, LMHC, is the owner of Flourish Counseling Co. in Winter Park, Florida. She specializes in women’s issues, sexual abuse recovery and diabetic lifestyle adjustment. She has helped countless individuals and families reach optimal mental and emotional health by providing counseling and trauma resolution in the Orlando area since 2015. She is currently the President of the Mental Health Counselors of Central Florida and is a passionate advocate for mental health.

Expect the unexpected

And just like that, he was gone. We would’ve seen it coming had it been during one of the many emergency visits to the hospital or during one of the countless surgeries he had on his skull. But no, this was unexpected, making it all the more traumatic for a nine-year-old. I was that nine-year-old. And he was my brother, Nathaniel — born with numerous special needs and undiagnosed syndromes in 1997, who just four short years later left this earth on November 11, 2001 due to a cardiac arrest.

My parents, empathetic to a community who five years prior had been strangers, decided to turn their grief and loss into a triumph and victory to bring hope and help to other families who were like us: worn out and challenged with the assignment of caregiving for a special needs child. So it was then in 2002 that Nathaniel’s Hope, a nonprofit celebrating kids with special needs (our VIP kids), was born.

Over the past 14 years we’ve had over 11,000 kids register as part of our free national VIP Birthday Club. We’ve seen hundreds (if not thousands) of families benefit from our national respite program, Buddy Break, where we partner with churches around the U.S. to bring free practical assistance to VIP families for three hours each month, so that caregivers can get a much needed break. We’ve distributed toys and goodies to thousands upon thousands of kids (and adults) stuck in the hospital on Christmas day with our Caroling for Kids program, and allowed just as many VIP families to shop for free toys at Nathaniel’s Toy Shop at Christmastime. Finally, we’ve been Making ‘m Smile since 2002 when we launched our first Make ‘m Smile Festival at Lake Eola in Downtown Orlando. Now, in 2016, we have our 14th Annual Festival, which we deem the BIGGEST party celebrating kids with special needs, with an estimated 40,000+ in attendance.

WHAT? Does this sound like something that would come from death?

Not to me. But we are grateful — I am grateful — that God uses everything for good.

So, if you have a brother, sister, son, daughter, or client with special needs, Nathaniel’s Hope is a resource for you. Join us on Saturday, June 4, 2016 for Make ‘m Smile — all VIPs and their immediate families get in FREE! Or come as a Buddy and be a friend by participating in our Friendship Stroll. It’s so much fun and packed with entertainment —just like a theme park. In fact, many VIP kids say it’s better than Disney world!You’re officially invited. To learn more about, or to register for, Make ‘m Smile or any of our Nathaniel’s Hope programs and events, simply visit NathanielsHope.org.

Oh, and in case you were wondering…that nine-year-old? Though such an early childhood death took it’s toll on her own mental health, she’s now in her master’s program to become a licensed mental health counselor to help kids process through grief, loss and trauma similar to what she experienced.

Would these unexpected GOOD events have resulted without the unexpected BAD events?

Only God knows.

But with God, I’ve learned to expect the unexpected.

Nathaniel’s Story

Learn more about Nathaniel’s Hope, the heart of the program and

get to know the Kuck Family through this video (shown above).

Nathaniel’s Hope Photo Gallery

About the Author

Brianna Kuck is currently a graduate student at Palm Beach Atlantic University pursuing her Master of Science in Mental Health Counseling. She is currently the Event & Communications Coordinator at Nathaniel’s Hope. Through Teams Commissioned for Christ International she lives out her passion for missions by facilitating & participating in trips to Guatemala.