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Meditation offers practitioners powerful benefits, yet many people are confused as to what exactly those benefits are. In a nutshell, meditation focuses attention in a deliberate manner, taking you from a state of noisy mental chatter to calm and quiet inner peace. And isn’t that something most of us could use? While meditation has been […]
Meditation offers practitioners powerful benefits, yet many people are confused as to what exactly those benefits are. In a nutshell, meditation focuses attention in a deliberate manner, taking you from a state of noisy mental chatter to calm and quiet inner peace. And isn’t that something most of us could use?
While meditation has been practiced for thousands of years in the east and – more recently – west as a way to grow spiritually, modern medicine is now finally extolling the numerous health benefits that meditation offers.
Meditation has the ability to reduce stress hormones by calming the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems. These systems are what activate our main panic responses (“fight,” “flight,” “freeze,” or “friend”) to stressful situations. Because of this, meditation can be a wonderful coping strategy for those suffering with trauma.
Is Meditation Better than Medication
Historically, people battling post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) have been given medication to help alleviate unwanted and unpleasant symptoms. But a new study has found that regular practice of meditation enables some active duty service members battling PTSD to reduce, or even eliminate their need of psychotropic medications and to better control their often-debilitating symptoms.
This is great news for service men and women, and anyone who is battling PTSD. Not only can meditation help to calm your nerves and rewire your brain, it can also reduce the risk of developing negative side effects to many psychotropic medications used to treat PTSD and anxiety disorders. Beyond memory loss and erectile dysfunction, one of the biggest side effects of these medications is depression. That’s the last thing a person suffering from PTSD needs.
How to Begin a Meditation Practice
If you are suffering from the effects of trauma and would like to try meditation, here are some steps you can take to get started:
Find a Group Practice
If you’re completely new to meditation, you may want to join a group meditation course that meets every week. You can usually find groups in your local area through online communities such as Meetup.com.
Be Open Minded
Meditation has long been associated with new age movements. But you would be amazed at the different kinds of people that now practice meditation. If you tend to be a skeptical person, try to have an open mind as you begin your practice.
Be Patient
It’s called a practice for a reason. You won’t “get” meditation overnight. You’ll have to keep at it before it becomes natural for you and you really reap the benefits. Try to have patience and just keep at it.
If you or a loved one are suffering from trauma symptoms and would like to speak with someone who can help, please get in touch with me. I’d be happy to discuss the treatment options that would work best for you.
Sources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201601/meditation-reduces-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-symptoms
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201306/how-does-meditation-reduce-anxiety-neural-level
https://psychcentral.com/news/2018/01/13/transcendental-meditation-shown-to-ease-veterans-ptsd/131167.html
Parenting in the Age of Eating Disorders Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia are serious psychiatric illnesses, not unlike anxiety and depression. Individuals who suffer from one of these disorders use food in unhealthy ways to cope with difficult emotions and life situations. Sadly, eating disorders have now become an epidemic in this country. […]
Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia are serious psychiatric illnesses, not unlike anxiety and depression. Individuals who suffer from one of these disorders use food in unhealthy ways to cope with difficult emotions and life situations.
Sadly, eating disorders have now become an epidemic in this country. It is estimated that roughly 11 million women and girls struggle with anorexia and bulimia. Though the average age of onset is 14, girls as young as 8 suffer from eating disorders.
It is important to mention that young men and boys also suffer from eating disorders. It is a common misconception that these issues only affect girls, and that tends to inhibit boys from seeking treatment.
It’s hard to pinpoint one single event that triggers an eating disorder. Usually, it is a combination of factors that can include genetics, peer pressure, trauma, media influence, and life transitions.
Young people may display a variety of warning signs but the most common is developing an obsession with how they look. Boys and girls may suddenly display an extreme preoccupation with food, carefully counting calories, carbohydrates, and fat grams.
While your child will be heavily influenced by numerous outside factors, you can play an important role in preventing the development of an eating disorder. To start, throughout their life, food should never be used as a reward or punishment. It’s common in our culture to reward our kids with ice cream or punish them by sending them to their room before they’ve finished dinner. This must stop because it instills in them the very idea that food is something other than nourishment.
It’s also important to walk the walk. This means preparing healthy and balanced meals in the home. Exercise should be done to stay healthy and to have fun (biking, kayaking) not because you are trying to lose weight.
Even if your doctor has told you you must lose weight for your health, choose your words carefully. “I am getting up early and walking before work to be healthier.”
Mothers, in particular, must recognize how their behavior and actions with food and body image impact their daughters. A mother who herself is obsessed with being “skinny” and counting calories will encourage these behaviors in her own daughter.
With both young girls and boys, the parental focus should be put on the child’s efforts and achievements, not on their looks, beauty, muscles, etc. And, most importantly, all children must be encouraged to focus their attention on specific qualities such as kindness, compassion, or generosity.
If you know a child who may be suffering from an eating disorder and would like to explore treatment options. Please get in touch with me. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
The Benefits of Sunlight for Your Mood COVID-19 is keeping a lot of people in their homes, out of their regular routines and certainly out of the daylight. But how can this impact your mood? And most importantly, what can you do about it? The Importance of Sunlight There just may be something to the […]
COVID-19 is keeping a lot of people in their homes, out of their regular routines and certainly out of the daylight. But how can this impact your mood? And most importantly, what can you do about it?
The Importance of Sunlight
There just may be something to the saying of “on the bright side.” When we are in sunlight, our bodies receive an important mood-boosting hormone called serotonin. This important hormone can help us feel calm, safe and happy. It is actually the #1 factor that can boost our mood in our environment and it’s totally free! Serotonin is known to be classically low in those who suffer from both depression and anxiety. All that to say, sunlight can also help you stave off some pretty serious things like major depression with a seasonal pattern (previously known as seasonal affective depression, or SAD) and keep you optimistic!
As you can imagine, right now everyone is going through a lot of stress and can already be on the cusp of a high level of anxiety and depression. It is important to remember to be proactive. You don’t have to wait until you feel extreme feelings of depression or even anxiety before you begin taking appropriate and preventative care of your body, mind, and emotions.
What can we do about it?
The good news is that you are not stuck with low levels of serotonin which can lead to low mood! There are definitely some simple solutions you can begin using today. Check out a few ways to get more sunlight into your daily routine:
Well, I think that’s a good place fo us to start. Try changing just one thing about your day and see how it feels. Don’t think you have to completely change everything about your day to feel the positive impacts! It’s okay to start with just 5-10 minutes outside and slowly work your way up to what might feel right. You may be surprised at home much you actually enjoy it.
Contact us
If you or someone you know could use counseling, please contact our office at 407-630-7529. We would be happy to help you or a loved one find appropriate care when they need it most.
About the Author
Cristina Ally, LMHC, is the owner of Flourish Counseling Co. in Winter Park, Florida. She specializes in women’s issues, sexual abuse recovery and diabetic lifestyle adjustment. She has helped countless individuals and families reach optimal mental and emotional health by providing counseling and trauma resolution in the Orlando area since 2015. She is currently the President of the Mental Health Counselors of Central Florida and is a passionate advocate for mental health.
Listen Here Welcome to the Coffee and Counseling with your hosts Cherlette McCullough and Cristina Ally. We have a great show for you today. Today we are talking about Peace, Purpose, and Pursuit. It’s a new year and often times at the beginning of the year we talk strongly about resolutions. While resolutions for the […]
Welcome to the Coffee and Counseling with your hosts Cherlette McCullough and Cristina Ally. We have a great show for you today. Today we are talking about Peace, Purpose, and Pursuit. It’s a new year and often times at the beginning of the year we talk strongly about resolutions. While resolutions for the new year are great we for the next few minutes we would like to call your attention to 3 words Peace, Purpose and Pursuit.
So today, let’s talk about What gives you Peace? What is your purpose or vision for your life? And lastly….. What are you pursuing?
10 Things to Let Go THIS year!….
Get your FREE Audiobook here: www.audibletrial.com/coffeeandcounseling
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Welcome to Coffee and Counseling with your hosts Cherlette McCullough and Cristina Ally. We have a great show for you today. By listening to this Season 2 Trailer, you’ll have a great idea of what to expect this upcoming season and feel even more connected to us as your awesome podcast hosts as we share […]
Welcome to Coffee and Counseling with your hosts Cherlette McCullough and Cristina Ally. We have a great show for you today. By listening to this Season 2 Trailer, you’ll have a great idea of what to expect this upcoming season and feel even more connected to us as your awesome podcast hosts as we share both professional and personal updates!
Our favorite resources for this episode:
Get your FREE Audiobook here: www.audibletrial.com/coffeeandcounseling
Please note all resource links to amazon are Coffee and Counseling Amazon Associate links which means we receive a small profit from purchases made with these links which helps support our show to bring you fabulous, fun and informative content!
Contact Us
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/coffeeandcounseling)
Listen Here Welcome to Coffee and Counseling with your hosts Cherlette McCullough and Cristina Ally. We have a great show for you today. Today we are talking about toxic relationships. While no relationship is picture perfect, whether its family, romantic or business it could be TOXIC. But for the most part, a good relationship should […]
Welcome to Coffee and Counseling with your hosts Cherlette McCullough and Cristina Ally. We have a great show for you today. Today we are talking about toxic relationships. While no relationship is picture perfect, whether its family, romantic or business it could be TOXIC. But for the most part, a good relationship should make you feel heard, secure, happy, cared for, respected, and free to be yourself. Toxic relationships are ones that make you feel angry, drained, depleted, and sometimes confused.
So today, we will talk about what a toxic relationship looks like, how to handle a toxic relationship, how to end a toxic relationship, dating after a toxic relationship has ended and more importantly how to take ownership if you are the toxic person in the relationship. So, if you’re ready for a great show, let’s jump right in!…
Our favorite resources for this episode:
Get your FREE Audiobook here: www.audibletrial.com/coffeeandcounseling
Please note all resource links to amazon are Coffee and Counseling Amazon Associate links which means we receive a small profit from purchases made with these links which helps support our show to bring you fabulous, fun and informative content!
Contact Us
Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/coffeeandcounseling)
5 Tips to Work From Home Do you have to work from home now? If you do, you’re definitely not alone! Many people, including myself, have experienced shifts in their work-life due to the Coronavirus, affectionately known as COVID-19. I, along with many other mental health providers across the nation, are now providing therapy via […]
Do you have to work from home now?
If you do, you’re definitely not alone! Many people, including myself, have experienced shifts in their work-life due to the Coronavirus, affectionately known as COVID-19. I, along with many other mental health providers across the nation, are now providing therapy via telehealth online platforms. Industries have had to lay off thousands of workers or cut back hours. But if you are lucky enough and still have a job you’ve likely had to transition to working from home remotely in some capacity. While working from home sounds dreamy for some, for others it’s truly nightmare worthy! Needless to say, if you’re reading this article you (or someone you know) has had to work from home. So, let’s get to it! After all, that’s why you clicked the article, right?…
An Essential List of 5 Tips to Work From Home
1. Keep a regular schedule
This simple tip can truly pay dividends. Create a schedule for yourself that you can follow every day. Without you even realizing it, your job provides important rhythms, schedules, and routines that create a level of safety for you! Even if you hate your job, chances are you likely have to wake up, get dressed, go to work, eat lunch, work again, and then leave. Maybe once you get home you work out, make dinner, help the kids with homework, watch your Netflix… you get it. The idea here is that when we are missing those beats in our day it’s hard to stay motivated. So, as simple as it sounds, create a schedule for yourself. It can be as simple as creating three major goals for the day – maybe you can start there.
2. Get dressed like your going to work
There’s been a pretty phenomenal joke out there – “I declare 8 PM the official time to change from my AM pajamas to my PM pajamas” It’s funny because it’s relatable right now for so many people! Another funny theme of memes and jokes I’ve seen are the teleconferencing joke that people are dressing only from the chest up so maybe their clothes are mismatched (if they even chose to wear pants), they are wearing slippers, you get the drift. As funny as those seem, they can have an impact on how you feel during your day. Remember to continue to dress for the job you want (to keep in this case) and not the job you have at your disposal. This can help you maintain a healthy level of professionalism and keep you in a strong mindset. Plus, your pajamas will feel extra comfy when it’s time to binge on Netflix!
3. Work in a dedicated office space and avoid using your bedroom
Ideally, you create a space that motivates you, helps you feel prepared, and puts you into work mode. I have even heard of clients putting up office hours outside the door to help kids and other family members remember to respect that office space, room, or corner like that person is not really there – they truly are in their office working!
The reason why working in your bedroom is not worth it…
It’s the whole idea of classical conditioning here. Don’t associate your resting space with stress, fast-paced living, and racing thoughts about your tasks. It’s just not a good practice to get into. The Oxford dictionary defines classical conditioning as “a learning process that occurs when two stimuli are repeatedly paired: a response which is at first elicited by the second stimulus is eventually elicited by the first stimulus alone.” In other words, the more you pair your bed with hyperarousal (or a high level of energy), over time, the more likely you are to feel that same energy just by being in that same room even when you’re not working. It’s not worth it. Consider even working outside (weather permitting) on your porch, in your backyard, or by the pool. Get creative. Grab a TV tray, a folding chair, and find a great corner. Boom. There’s your makeshift office. But really, you get the idea.
4. Schedule regular breaks
Our day may feel long, boring, or demanding but chances are during your workday, you had to get up to ask a question, make a copy, answer a phone, or run an errand. Welcome to 2020 where our world has radically changed, and rapidly might I add, and now many of us are working from home! Those minor pesky tasks were helping you to take a break from staring at your screen and even provided a bit of social interaction you may not have at home now. It could be helpful to even set a timer every hour (or whatever amount of time you feel is good for you) to help you remember to check in to grab a snack, get some water, walk outside for a second, take a bathroom break, call a friend, grab a coffee, you name it! Just be sure to get up and move around for around 10 minutes or so. There are even some great little mini yoga videos you can find on YouTube for quick office yoga or a quick stretch.
5. Keep a positive attitude
Attitude is everything. Is the glass half empty or half full? When you focus on what you do not have, cannot control, or cannot solve, you are asking for a cocktail of negative emotions. Invite positive emotional experiences into your life as you keep your focus on what you do have, what you can control, what you can solve, and what you are thankful for. There are always going to be things we can remain grateful for even in the toughest of times. Consider keeping a gratitude journal each night. Maybe you’d like to post photos in your office space of people, places things, sayings, or other triggers for positive emotions. Where your thoughts wander your feelings and behaviors will follow – that is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 101!
Well, thanks for joining me for a few tips on how to stay sane during this season.
Contact Flourish Counseling Co. at 407-630-7529 or schedule immediately with us online at www.flourishcounseling.co if you would like to schedule a session or need help managing your stress and anxiety!
Additional Helpful resources
About the Author
Cristina Ally, LMHC, is the owner of Flourish Counseling Co. in Winter Park, Florida. She specializes in women’s issues, sexual abuse recovery, trauma recovery, relationship issues, eating disorders, and diabetic lifestyle adjustment. She has helped countless individuals and families reach optimal mental and emotional health by providing counseling and trauma resolution in the Orlando area since 2015. She is currently the President of the Mental Health Counselors of Central Florida and is a passionate advocate for mental health.
Have you ever heard of voo breathing? Neither had I. I’m a huge fan of Peter Levine’s work and eventually stumbled across his “voo breathing” exercise in one of his audiobooks. It’s pretty fascinating. The idea is that we do some deep belly breathing, we focus our attention on the our breath and in a […]
Neither had I. I’m a huge fan of Peter Levine’s work and eventually stumbled across his “voo breathing” exercise in one of his audiobooks. It’s pretty fascinating. The idea is that we do some deep belly breathing, we focus our attention on the our breath and in a deep fog horn voice exhale with the word, “voooooo”. It feels slightly strange at first but I promise it is an effective way to induce feelings of calm. This can be extremely helpful for trauma survivors who have a hard time feeling relaxed and calm; especially after triggers or reminders of their trauma. So why does this “voo breathing” work? Let me explain the science behind it all!… My favorite part 
Breathing is one of the most fascinating trauma recovery resources we have at the tip of our tongue… literally! When we take a slow breath in through our nose and exhale out through our mouths we are stimulating both the sympathetic (fight and flight) and parasympathetic (rest and digest) nervous systems. This is important for trauma survivors because they can frequently feel “on edge” or in a constant state of sympathetic hyperarousal (expecting something bad to happen). So breathing can give your brain and body a much needed break.
Well, Peter Levine was gracious enough to think of a way to stimulate our “rest and digest”, parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), even further! He shares quiet eloquently about the PNS being stimulated by activating the vagal nerve in his book “In and Unspoken Voice” that deals with trauma being stuck in the body. Long story short stimulating the vagus nerve is another amazing way to induce feelings of calm & really activate the PNS. So boom! Breathing in and out while stimulating the vagus nerve creates a beautiful recipe for feelings of calm.
Let’s go through how to mix breathing while stimulating the vagus nerve step by step…
Get seated.
Find a place to sit where you can rest. Place your feet on the floor and rest comfortably in your chair. Close your eyes if you feel safe, or if you choose to keep your eyes open, keep a low fixed gaze.
Notice your breath.
Begin to settle into your breath. Just notice each breath cycle as it comes in and out. Just notice. Don’t change anything.
Take a deep breath IN.
Now, begin to allow yourself to take a deep slow breath in through your nose and fill your belly with air. Side note: Be sure you are truly breathing into your belly and not your chest. You will know you are belly breathing if you breathe in and your shoulders don’t keep moving up and down while you breathe.
Breath out with “VOO.”
On the out breath, allow yourself to make a deep fog horn sound with the word “voo”, for three counts (or as long as you can comfortably exhale, the longer the better). Allow the sound to vibrate and resonate in your chest, arms, and even legs. Feel and enjoy the deep vibrations the “voo” sound provides.
Repeat the breath cycles.
Continue cycles for 3-5 minutes or as long as you are enjoying the breath cycles. We know that 3-5 minutes of breathing can actually change your oxygen levels in your blood and begin to stimulate positive changes in your neurochemistry!
Bring your focus back to the room.
Begin to bring awareness to your body, maybe twisting your wrists or ankles. When you are ready open your eyes and return to the room.
How do you feel now? Good stuff, right? I always tell clients to make sure they are learning a new coping skill before they really need them. Just like we learn to swim when we are calm and not drowning, it is important to learn new coping skills while you are calm and not panicking.
Well, that’s all I have for now. If you would like to scheduled a session to learn additional trauma coping skills, feel free to contact Flourish Counseling Co. at 407-630-7529 or schedule immediately with us online at www.flourishcounseling.co.
About the Author
Cristina Ally, LMHC, is the owner of Flourish Counseling Co. in Winter Park, Florida. She specializes in women’s issues, sexual abuse recovery and diabetic lifestyle adjustment. She has helped countless individuals and families reach optimal mental and emotional health by providing counseling and trauma resolution in the Orlando area since 2015. She is currently the President of the Mental Health Counselors of Central Florida and is a passionate advocate for mental health.
If you are a “helper” in any profession (i.e. counselor, pastor, medical provider etc.) you may have heard of the term “compassion fatigue.” The Oxford Dictionary defines this as the “indifference to charitable appeals on behalf of suffering people, experienced as a result of the frequency or number of such appeals.” In other words, you have a lot […]
If you are a “helper” in any profession (i.e. counselor, pastor, medical provider etc.) you may have heard of the term “compassion fatigue.” The Oxford Dictionary defines this as the “indifference to charitable appeals on behalf of suffering people, experienced as a result of the frequency or number of such appeals.” In other words, you have a lot of needs that hit you at once and that happens often. Sound familiar? Well, in order to continue to enjoying your work and ignite your compassion flame you have to take care of yourself!
Here are a few tried and true ways to avoid compassion fatigue:
1. Leave work at work.
This is a huge area of struggle for helpers! We are empathetic, right? We love to help people and their stories are impactful. Be careful how much mind space you give to the things of work while you are trying to enjoy your family at home, your dinner, or even your morning/nightly routines. It’s very tempting to check emails and respond immediately even when you are on the couch watching Netflix – don’t do it. Leave work at work. You will thank me for this and so will your family!
2. Create professional boundaries.
If you say you are leaving at 5, then leave at 5. If you have lunch scheduled but then someone needs “crisis counseling” it’s okay to say you need to eat your lunch! If someone walks into your office and wants to have a talk at a horrible time, it’s okay to say “Oh wow, sounds like that would be a great conversation. Let’s plan to meet about that on (insert date/time).” The occasional wavering from your professional boundaries is fine. As a compassionate helper we all know it is our greatest temptation to continue helping at the cost of our schedules, but if you do that too often, you’re likely to burn out! Keep to your professional boundaries as closely as possible. This could also mean saying no to additional projects, conversations and activities. It is OK to walk away and not take on the entire office load of problems
3. Enjoy LOADS of self-care.
When is the last time you took time to just care for yourself? It could be in the form of a massage, a walk in a quiet park or a really fun night of video games. Self-care will really look different for each person. For ideas on how to increase your self-care, check out my article on “10 Ways to increase self-care”.
4. Create an enjoyable work environment.
This is one of my favorite things! I just adore having a nice office. I like to change out my flowers, pictures, bookshelf accessories, drink coasters and use cute file folders! I enjoy playing music in between clients and burning a little spearmint essential oil to lift myself up. You are constantly giving parts of yourself away throughout the day and creating an environment you enjoy is one way you can provide a little nourishment for yourself. If you work in a large office with a lot of people coming in and out, maybe it’s something as simple as a favorite pen, single fresh flower, a mini frame, or some aromatherapy lotion in your purse. Keep things on hand that can give back to you throughout your work hours.
5. Enjoy non-work hobbies & community events.
Hobbies can in some ways fall into self-care, but they are different in that they can include even a community in which you can get involved. For instance, if you are an artist, go out and enjoy an art class or art show. If you enjoy singing, join a local choir. If you play basketball, find some people to play with in a local league. You get the idea. The point is that you don’t just see your family and coworkers. You are starting to enjoy the company of people who don’t just want to talk about family issues or work problems. A common community that can be a great resource are churches or local spiritual groups. Get creative with this one. For some of your seasoned helpers, this might take some time to think about, but I am sure you think of something new and novel you would enjoy. And… * IF you say you have no time for this… YOU NEED THIS! Ironic isn’t it? If you have too much on your plate that you cannot even enjoy an occasional gathering on a topic you love, reevaluate your schedule.
Here’s a little sneak peak of how
I prevent compassion fatigue in my office!…
We would love to work with you! If you would like to scheduled a session, feel free to contact Flourish Counseling Co. at 407-630-7529 or schedule immediately with us online at www.flourishcounseling.co.
About the Author
Cristina Ally, LMHC, is the owner of Flourish Counseling Co. in Winter Park, Florida. She specializes in women’s issues, sexual abuse recovery and diabetic lifestyle adjustment. She has helped countless individuals and families reach optimal mental and emotional health by providing counseling and trauma resolution in the Orlando area since 2015. She is currently the President of the Mental Health Counselors of Central Florida and is a passionate advocate for mental health.
According to the American Psychological Association about 40-50% of first time marriages in the United States end in divorce, with the divorce rate increasing in subsequent marriages. With divorce rates so high, it is likely that you or someone you know has been impacted by a divorce. Divorces can get messy when it involves just adults, but it can […]
According to the American Psychological Association about 40-50% of first time marriages in the United States end in divorce, with the divorce rate increasing in subsequent marriages. With divorce rates so high, it is likely that you or someone you know has been impacted by a divorce. Divorces can get messy when it involves just adults, but it can get even more confusing when kids and teens are involved. Not only are you managing your own feelings, you now have the reality that your adult decision is now inevitably going to impact your child’s life in some way. Each divorce and family is unique and so of course needs will vary, but here are three simple and basic principles from Krista Smith’s divorce for teens group curriculum, “The Big D“, that I love and teach all the families I work with. Here are three basic things to avoid during a divorce involving children:
1. Do not use your child as a messenger.
Ex: “Tell your mom/dad…”
2. Do not use your child as a spy or detective for information.
Ex: “Tell me about your mom/dad’s new house, friend etc.”
3. Do not us your child as a dumping station.
Ex: “If you only knew what your mom/dad did to me…”
1. Do not use your child as a messenger.
I know, you probably do not want to talk to your ex-spouse if at all possible. There were probably communication issues that lead to the divorce in the first place, right? So, it can be tempting to use your child to buffer the fact that you still have life decisions to make together. Don’t do it. Remind your child that divorce is an adult problem and requires adult solutions. Making your a child a messenger can really make them feel responsible for the information and discussions that should not involve them. Even if the information does involve them, it can be comforting to a child to know that you are your ex-spouse are on the same page. This can also help curtail any triangulation (but MOM said I could… ) that your child may be doing. This change may take some practice if you’ve already used your child as a messenger. Next time a situation comes up tell your child, “I will talk with Dad about that.”
2. Do not use your child as a spy or detective for information.
It is tempting to ask your child about your ex-spouse, especially if he or she is not very open with you. But again, remember that asking your child about information regarding the life and choices of your ex-spouse can really create a lot of stress for your little one. It is not a good idea to ask a lot of specific questions. If you are dying for information, you can ask open ended questions like “What did you do this weekend with your mom?” Rather than, “Was Bryan with her this weekend?” Your children pick up on a lot more subtext than we give them credit. They may not know why it doesn’t feel right, but trust me, they can tell that there’s something else behind all your specific questions. So remember, don’t try to get the inside scoop on finances, “new friends”, schedules, jobs, plans etc. from the child. As an adult in this situation you need to speak directly to the other adult about this information, not your kiddo.
3. Do not use your child as a dumping station.
Your child is not supposed to be your main source of support, best friend, or primary confidant. It’s tempting to begin asking your child to side with you, but it does put them at a major disadvantage in experiencing positive feelings about the other parent. Your child should be able to experience love for both parents as he or she feels comfortable; don’t get in the way of this development (even if you think your spouse is a snake!). Chances are, if you refuse to speak ill of your ex-spouse your child will be able to sort out the let downs on their own. But let your child come to these realizations. Your main function is unbiased support for your child not necessarily your ex-spouse, so don’t taint the support with confusing messages.
Remember, your child CAN remain happy and well adjusted after a divorce.
These sorts of things can increase the child’s feelings of responsibility OR make the child feel as though a choice must be made between the parents. Remember, it is not the divorce that creates life difficulties for the child in and of itself. It is the way the divorce is handled that can cause long-term negative impacts. It is possible for you and your family to undergo these transitions without severe negative impacts on your children’s emotional health.
If you or someone you know has kids and teens in need of support during a parents divorce we are here to help. If you would like to scheduled a session, feel free to contact Flourish Counseling Co. at 407-630-7529 or schedule immediately with us online at www.flourishcounseling.co.
About the Author
Cristina Ally, LMHC, is the owner of Flourish Counseling Co. in Winter Park, Florida. She specializes in women’s issues, sexual abuse recovery and diabetic lifestyle adjustment. She has helped countless individuals and families reach optimal mental and emotional health by providing counseling and trauma resolution in the Orlando area since 2015. She is currently the President of the Mental Health Counselors of Central Florida and is a passionate advocate for mental health.